cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
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20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
who wants to go expliring
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store