[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
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My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.