“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Extremely relatable.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.