Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
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my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
philosophical skeletons be like
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”