Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
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Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
my nickname in college
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.