[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
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“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
yes… yes…
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.