Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
You Might Also Like
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u