Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
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birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.