My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
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Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.