Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
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cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
This could’ve been an email.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.