Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
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If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
just having fun
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
How all things should be taught/explained.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”