You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
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My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied