Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
You Might Also Like
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.