Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
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I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong