The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
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[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
crying
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me