I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
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[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*