If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
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Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Breaking news:
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.