Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
You Might Also Like
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*