Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
You Might Also Like
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.