The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
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Breaking news:
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
What a year we’ve had this week.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.