Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Not all heroes wear capes.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.