Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
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“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
me before I type out affect or effect
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.