The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
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I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT