Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu