[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
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Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.