[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
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Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let鈥檚 just play and I鈥檒l explain as we go.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 馃槶馃槶馃槶
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I鈥檇 probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
*sees Jaws in my yard* we鈥檙e gonna need a bigger milkshake
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea鈥攈ow’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT