🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
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What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.