astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
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Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
c’mon!
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…