[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
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“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.