Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
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Woke up with morning Yule Log
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
What flavor cupcake are these
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?