When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
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I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
So creative 😂
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
🙅🏻