At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
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people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail