I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
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If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat