The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
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were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Only Americans understand
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Stop sending me this shit.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
*limbos under the caution tape
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”