Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
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On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound: