tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
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The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
I’m putting together a team
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.