No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
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Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
classic mixup
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.