Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
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Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I think I’ll stand
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!