Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
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I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.