Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
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This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
A French press is when you hug naked
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.