Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
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Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Des Moines Police having a normal one
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Why is no one talking about this?!
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit