If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
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When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Pass gas, not judgment.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?