Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
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I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”