When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
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me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself