Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
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[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
best review i’ve ever seen
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Awesome parenting 😂
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Air conditioning – not a fan
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.