[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
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I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Finally!
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?