Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
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Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.