My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
You Might Also Like
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
They’re not wrong
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no