I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
You Might Also Like
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”