I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
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didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”